


And He Loves You, Still

by itsaravenclawthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholic Dean Winchester, Angst, Hopeful Castiel (Supernatural), Hopeful Ending, M/M, Pining, Pining Castiel, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Songfic, god i'm fucking sad, i have no idea what's actually going on in the show at this point in time, i love making their lives hard, i'M SAD, implied happy ending, okay it's not really happy but i would say it's kind of hopeful, we HATE happy endings here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 11:35:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15048026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsaravenclawthing/pseuds/itsaravenclawthing
Summary: "There's whiskey and blanketsAnd a bonfire when you're coldAnd I'll hold a golden breath till I'm silver and oldWith only hope to keep aliveAnd only time to killThere's a fool that loved you,And he loves you stillSo tell me one more lie my dearWhisper softly so nobody hearsKeep me hanging on for another yearOh, tell me one more lie, my dear"Based on the song Golden Thread by Passenger.





	And He Loves You, Still

**Author's Note:**

> okay, a couple notes  
> -i started rewatching last month from s4 (because i don't care if cas isn't in it he's my child) and i'm only on s10 now so i have no actual idea what the fuck is going on in the show at this point in time also i took a break for a few weeks to bingewatch queer eye multiple times so i'm only at the beginning of s10  
> -don't ask me how or why cas is human again please just suspend your disbelief  
> -this is NOT particularly good and it's my first attempt at fic in literal years but here i am laid bare for all to see so if you don't like it that's cool but i don't care that much, i needed to write this down and publish it and get it OUT of my fucking soul  
> -my friend liza read this for me and said she hc's todd as antoni porowski which i'm okay with. (i should also mention that this wasn't beta'd hahahahahaha)  
> -HERE is the playlist i made and listened to on repeat while writing this because playlist making is my ONLY coping mechanism https://open.spotify.com/user/1253418758/playlist/64fJoyW4s527lizjwFUCjb if the link doesn't work that's because i made it secret so that nobody i'm friends with on spotify can see me being embarrassing  
> -i wrote a little separate chunk of this from dean's perspective that isn't included here (i actually wrote it before i wrote this) so if you want that smash that mf kudos (and/or leave a review)  
> okay that's it, i'm dead inside, enjoy!!!!!!!!!!

“And do you know of anyone who would have wanted to hurt your wife?”

The man, Robert White, shakes his head. “Everyone just….just loved her,” his voice breaks. “I can’t imagine anyone would ever want to….do this to her.” 

Sam nods and writes something down on his notepad, and Cas takes over. “Have you ever had any struggles in your marriage, sir?” 

“How is that relevant?” 

“It’s just protocol, sir,” Dean says. “My associate here is just trying to get all the facts.” 

“Exactly,” Cas agrees. 

And he listens carefully as Mr. White talks about their struggles- how they were legally separated, about to divorce, when suddenly, out of the blue, she decided she wanted to reconcile. They had been back together for about six weeks until that morning, when he’d come home to find her on the kitchen floor in a pool of her own blood with several stab wounds. He exchanges a meaningful look with Sam, then Dean. 

He thinks Dean might be holding his gaze just a bit too long, that his eyes hold something else, something more, but he doesn’t have much time to think about it. A voice cuts through the drone of cameras flashing and officers and medical examiners milling about the house. 

“Excuse me, is my client a suspect?” The voice belongs to a young man in his early 30’s, dressed in a suit, hair slicked back. 

“Your client?” Dean asks.

The man nods. “I’m Todd Halliwell, I was representing Mr. White here in his divorce proceedings.” 

“Ah,” Dean nods. “Well, we’re federal agents, investigating Mrs. White’s murder. Just trying to gather all the information we possibly can.” He flashes Cas a wink that no one else catches, and Cas feels his cheeks start to get hot and his knees start to feel like jello, and maybe his throat starts to close too. 

“Can I see your badges?” The lawyer asks, and Cas fumbles around in his pocket in order to produce his fake badge. Once Mr. Halliwell has had a look, he closes the badge and replaces it in his pocket.

“Well,” Halliwell says, “I understand that this is a federal investigation, but if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to discuss with my client.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Sam says, “we were just about finished.” He slips Halliwell and White his card, tells them to call if they think of anything else, and the three of them make their way outside. 

“It reeked of sulfur in there,” Dean says, sliding into the front seat of the car and shutting the door. 

“So what? We’re thinking a demon just walked in and….stabbed Mrs. White? For no good reason?” Sam asks. 

Dean shrugs. “Yeah, maybe. Or maybe Mr. White was possessed, doesn’t remember doing it.” 

“Or,” Cas volunteers from the back seat, “he made a deal.”

Dean’s eyes meet his in the rearview mirror. “Maybe,” he says. Then he turns around and offers Cas a small smile. “I’m starving. Who’s down to go get some grub?” 

____

Cas and Dean end up going to a local diner alone to pick up some takeout, since Sam had said he was exhausted and wanted to go back to the motel to sleep. So they drop him off, Dean flirts with the young woman at the front desk to ask her for a recommendation, and make their way to Reggie’s Diner. Cas is inside waiting for their food while Dean circles the block in the car (they couldn’t find a parking spot outside), and he’s trying to stop thinking about how effortlessly Dean had flirted with that receptionist, how he’d winked at her just like he’d winked at Cas. It’s never easy for him to watch Dean with women, but he’s accepted it now as part of the price he has to pay- if he wants to be in Dean’s life in any capacity, he’ll have to learn to put up with the sharp twinges of jealousy every time a pretty girl smiles at Dean while they’re on a case, or the ache in his chest every time Dean tells him “we’re family, Cas.” 

“Ah, hello, agent Cooper.”

Castiel is broken out of his introspection by the greeting, and he looks up to see the lawyer, Mr. Halliwell, standing in front of the bench where he’s sitting. 

“Hello, Mr. Halliwell,” he replies, and the man offers him a pleasant smile in return. “Call me Todd when we’re not working,” he grins, and winks at Cas just like Dean did. 

“Sure,” Cas replies. “Todd.”

“And I don’t believe I got your first name, agent Cooper.”

“Uh,” Cas stammers, “Steve. Steve Cooper.”

Grinning, Todd replies, “so I can call you Steve when we’re off the job?”

Cas starts to feel uncomfortable with Todd grinning at him so widely, starts to feel heat rise from his neck into his cheeks, but he smiles back. “Sure,” he says. 

Somehow, Todd grins impossibly wider. “You blushing, Steve?” 

“No, no,” Cas says, but he can feel his face getting hotter and hotter under Todd’s gaze. “Just….it’s a little warm in here.”

Todd chuckles. “Yeah, I suppose it is.”

And then the bell over the door jingles and Dean walks in. “Where the hell’s our food?” he asks Cas. “I’m starving. And I’m double parked.” 

“Agent Doggett,” Todd greets him. 

Dean offers him a nod. 

“I’m sure it’s almost ready,” Cas assures Dean, and just then, the chef rings the bell and their order is up. “You go back out to the car,” Cas says to Dean. “I’ll bring the food out.”

“Sure thing man,” Dean says, and then turns on his heel and pushes open the door. 

“Well,” Cas says, turning back to Todd, who is still smiling at him. “I’ll get going now.” 

“Wait,” Todd says, reaching out and grabbing Cas’s arm. He pulls a business card and pen out of his jacket pocket, then writes something on the back of the card and hands it to Cas. 

“I’m not sure how much longer you’re in town for,” he says, “but I’d like to see you again, while you’re here.”

Cas turns the card over in his hand and realizes that Todd has written his phone number on the back. “Sure,” Cas says. “That would be...nice.”

“Well, give me a call. We can go out for drinks.” 

Cas nods, and then finds his throat getting dry because Todd is good-looking and friendly and wants to go for drinks with him. And he realizes he likes the attention, and thinks, well, if Dean doesn’t care for him in the way he wants him to, maybe Todd will. At least for a night. 

He doesn’t say anything more, and leaves the restaurant, where the Impala is waiting for him. He opens the door and slides in. 

“Smells good,” Dean remarks as he pulls away and begins the drive back to their motel. 

“Mmm,” Cas murmurs in agreement. After a few minutes of riding in silence, they pull into a parking space at the motel. Dean gets out first and offers Cas a hand, and Cas hands him the tray with their drinks, but the card with Todd’s number falls on the seat. Before Cas even notices it falls, Dean is picking it up and turning it over. 

He doesn’t notice Dean has it until he asks, “this is that divorce lawyer, yeah? The charming one?”

Cas looks up and sees the card in Dean’s hand and grabs it back, then stuffs it in his shirt pocket. “Yes,” he replies. 

“And that’s….his cell phone number?” 

Cas slides out of the car with the food and begins fumbling in his pockets for his wallet, then fumbling in his wallet for the key card to their room. “Yes,” he replies, unable to look at Dean. 

“Why’d he give you his cell?” Dean asks.

“He….wants me to call him.”

“About….the job?”

Cas sighs. “No,” he says, “about….going out for drinks.” 

He chances a glance at Dean who blinks, shocked. “You mean like, this guy wants to go on a date with you?” Dean asks.

Cas allows a small smile, because when Dean puts it like that, it sounds nice. “Yes,” he says, satisfied. “I think that’s what he means.”

But instead of smiling back, instead of looking even remotely excited for him, Dean looks angry. “You’re not gonna go, are you?” 

Cas knits his brow. “Well I….I was thinking about it yes.”

“No, no way,” Dean shakes his head. “You know this guy could be a suspect, right?”

“What motive could he possibly have, Dean?” 

Dean shrugs. “Don’t know,” he says, “but until we clear him for sure, he’s a suspect.”

Now Cas is frustrated too, because Dean might be right of course, but he doesn’t want to believe it. He wants to go on a date with Todd. “And what about when we clear him?” he prompts. “What then?”

Dean shuts the door of the car and reaches across to take the food bags from Cas. “Then you still don’t go.” 

Cas thinks he hears something in his voice, something like jealousy, maybe, but he realizes that he  _ wants  _ to hear jealousy, and he shuts that little nagging voice up before going to follow Dean. “And why not?” he asks.

Dean turns to face him before pushing open the door to the room. “Because we’ll probably still have to work with him. And you don’t shit where you eat, Cas.” 

Cas isn’t sure what that means, so he follows Dean into the room. Sam is fast asleep on one of the beds, but he’d set up a cot in between the two beds for Cas, which he’s grateful for. 

“Hey Sammy,” Dean says, nudging his brother, “food’s here.” 

Sam opens one eye. “Stick it in the mini fridge,” he says, “I’ll nuke it later.” 

Dean nods and puts the styrofoam container with Sam’s sandwich in it in the refrigerator, then hands Cas his order, then sits down on the bed with his own order. 

They sit in silence for a few moments before Dean turns to him. “So,” he says, mouth full of food. “I uh….I didn’t know you dated guys.” 

Cas nods. “In the past few months, I’ve realized I’m not romantically interested in women,” he admits. 

“Huh,” Dean murmurs. 

“I’m not sexually interested in them either,” Cas continues, causing Dean to choke. Cas moves to help him, but Dean waves him off, and takes a swig of his drink. “Have you uh,” he starts, then coughs a bit. “Have you ever….been with….a dude before?” he asks.

Cas nods. “We’ve spent some time apart in between cases. I’ve….done some self-discovery on those occasions.” 

Again, Dean offers a non-committal “hmph” and continues eating his burger. There are a few moments of silence before he turns to Cas again. “So….how many?”

Now it’s Cas’s turn to choke on his food, and he reaches for his drink and takes a few sips. “What do you mean?” he asks, even though he knows perfectly well what Dean means.

“You know,” Dean says, “how many….how many guys?” 

“Why do you care Dean?” 

Cas can’t look at Dean, so he doesn’t see him clench his jaw, grind his teeth, before answering. “I’m just curious,” he replies. 

Sighing, Cas answers. “Three,” he says. “One after the ghouls near Seattle. Two after the werewolf in Ohio.”

“Two?” Dean blinks. “At the same time?” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “No, Dean. Of course not at the same time.” 

“Hey,” Dean puts his hands up. “I’m not judging.” 

Again, Cas sighs, and decides he doesn’t want to eat anymore of his burger right now. He hates this conversation, it’s uncomfortable. More importantly it feels like too much friendliness and not enough of what he wants, which is jealous. Half the reason he even answered Dean was because he had been hoping it would make him jealous. But what had he expected, that Dean would tell him he hated every man Cas had ever slept with and then pull him into his arms and have his way with him right then and there? That could never happen, of course not. And besides, he’d only slept with one of the men he’d met up with in Ohio. The second one he’d only kissed. 

He gets up to put the rest of his food in the mini fridge and then stands up and walks over to his cot. He lies down, thinking maybe he’ll take a nap too, but Dean has other ideas, apparently. 

“You know,” he says, “I’ve….been with some guys too.” 

Cas feels a twinge, a twinge of hope and also of jealousy at Dean’s words. He wants to sit up, to hear more, but he doesn’t want to look too interested-he wants to “play hard to get,” as people call it. “Hmm,” he says, still looking at the ceiling. 

“Yeah,” Dean continues. “I….don’t really talk about it. I guess I’m still scared of what my old man’ll say,” he chuckles, and Cas could swear he sounds embarrassed, but he won’t peel his eyes from the ceiling to look at Dean. “Sammy knows, though. That I….like dudes. Bobby knew too. That’s it though. And now I guess you know, too.”

“I guess I do,” Cas replies. Is his voice shaking? Does he sound a little  _ too  _ indifferent? He panics like this for a few seconds before Dean stands up. “You want a beer?” he asks, pacing over to the mini fridge.

“No thank you,” Cas replies. “I think I’ll take a nap.” 

“Suit yourself,” Dean says. Cas closes his eyes then, but hears the sound of clinking glass and the TV turning on, then the sound of the old springs on Dean’s mattress as he sits back down. 

Cas must be tired, because he drifts off to sleep in a matter of seconds. 

_____

It’s dark when he wakes up again to the sound of whispering. 

“I just….I don’t know man,” Dean’s voice, cutting through the silence. Cas doesn’t open his eyes but he can feel that the TV is still on-he can hear it buzzing even though it’s on mute, can feel the blue light pricking behind his eyes. “I didn’t know Cas was….gay.” 

His breath hitches for a moment, but he’s able to control it again. 

“Did he say he was gay?” Sam’s voice now, whispering. 

“He said he wasn’t interested in women romantically,” Dean replies, “or sexually.” 

“Oh,” Sam says, “yeah, that’s pretty definitive.”

There are a few moments of silence, just the buzzing of the TV and Cas’s own breathing, and then Sam speaks again. “Are you….okay? With that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean….does that change anything for you?”

Dean sighs. “I don’t know,” he says. “This whole time I thought….I don’t know what I thought. It’s like….” 

“Like….all this time you thought he was unavailable and now-”

“He’s still unavailable,” Dean cuts Sam off. 

“Well he’s not seeing anyone. And he just ripped off the closet door for you.”

“Doesn’t change shit,” Dean whispers. “And you know what? He wants to go on a date with that divorce lawyer. If we clear him as a suspect.” 

A pause. “Really?” Sam asks. 

“Yep,” Dean replies, popping the “p.” “We ran into him at the diner. Dirtbag slipped Cas his number on the back of his business card.” 

“Huh,” Sam murmurs. “And….well, I can guess how you feel about that.” 

“I have half a mind to rip that card up right now. And then throw it in the sink and burn it.” 

Cas hears Sam chuckle. “Jealous much?” he asks. 

“Shut up, jackass.” 

Still laughing, Sam says, “Goodnight Dean, love you too.” Then Cas thinks he hears him roll over in his bed and the TV turns off. 

“Like I said,” Dean says, “shut up, jackass.” 

And then the room is completely silent and pitch dark. Still half asleep, Cas decides he must have been dreaming and rolls over onto his side, and drifts back off to sleep. 

______

_ One week later _

They still haven’t solved the case. Or rather, they’ve solved it, they know exactly what happened. But they can’t seem to find the responsible party. As it turns out, Mrs. White had been seeing someone else during her separation from her husband. Her guilt had caused her to want to reconcile, but the other man she’d been with had made a deal in a jealous rage. 

But they couldn’t track down the demon, and Mr. White had since been killed as well. And now the man who’d been sleeping with Mrs. White was missing, and they couldn’t track him down either. It was unbelievably frustrating. 

But the good news was, they’d cleared Todd. Cas had texted him a few times, just to check in on him, and to say hi. Tonight though, he sat on the end of his cot, hoping Sam and Dean wouldn’t get back before he left. He’d decided to call Todd, to take him up on the date offer, finally. And he was excited. It felt good to be going on a date, to be a little nervous about it. He wouldn’t think about Dean tonight. 

He knows he’s lying to himself with that one, but still. He’s excited. 

About ten minutes later, a car that isn’t the Impala pulls up, and he stands, peeks through the blinds. Sure enough, Todd gets out. Cas smiles to himself as he watches him smooth back his hair and straighten his jacket in the reflection of his car window. Before Todd can knock on the door, Cas opens it. 

“Hey, Steve,” Todd says. 

“Hi,” Cas replies. They stand awkwardly for a few minutes, smiling at each other, and then Todd opens the passenger door for Cas, and he slides in. Todd slides into the driver’s seat and shuts the door, then starts the engine. “There’s this great bar on the other side of town,” he says as he pulls out. “I go there with friends all the time. It’s a little dive-y but….I think you’ll like the vibe.”

Cas grins. “I think I’ll like anywhere I go with you,” he says, and Todd turns to him and grins back. 

And Cas feels almost  _ giddy.  _

Four hours later, after two drinks each and one order of fries, they’re still occupying the same table at the bar. 

“So, Steve,” Todd says, smiling coyly. “How long have you worked for the bureau?”

“Only a little while,” Cas replies. “And you? How long have you….been a divorce lawyer?” 

Todd chuckles at the question. “Well, I’ve been with this firm for the past two-and-a-half years.” 

“Ah,” Cas says. “And….”

“And why be a divorce lawyer? Why not be a prosecutor or a copyright lawyer?” Todd finishes.

Cas nods. 

Smiling, Jake replies. “Well, would it be too cliche to say my parents had a terrible marriage?” 

“No,” Cas says with a laugh. “No it wouldn’t.”

“Well, that’s it,” Todd says, still smiling at Cas. “My entire childhood was….garbage. They hated each other. Fought all the time, and put me in the middle of it. But they never just bit the damn bullet and got divorced. They always said they were staying together for me. And I don’t want any two people to be as unhappy as they were. I don’t want to any kids to feel like I did.” 

“So you….became a divorce lawyer?” Cas asks.

“Yeah,” Todd grins. “I know, why not become a marriage counselor, right? But sometimes, for some people, not being together is better than trying to make it work.” 

Cas nods, and they’re quiet for a few minutes. He feels Todd’s knee bumping his under the table, can feel Todd smiling at him, that big, handsome, charming grin. 

“Steve,” he says, “I know it’s….kind of forward. First date and all. But would you like to….come back to my place?”

And Cas hesitates for a moment. Because he does. More than anything, he wants to go back to Todd’s place with him, fall into his arms and into his bed, and just enjoy himself. But there’s always Dean to think about. 

He wishes, so desperately, that he was on this date with Dean. That it was Dean asking him to go back to his place, Dean he would wake up next to in the morning.

But then he sighs, because it’s not Dean and it probably won’t ever be Dean, and Todd is wonderful. He’s handsome and funny and he  _ likes  _ Cas, enough to ask him back to his place. Cas is about to say yes when Todd speaks again. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I knew that was too much. It’s just….I  _ really  _ like you Steve.” 

“I really like you too, Todd,” Cas replies. “I’d love to go back to your place with you.”

And he does.

_____

When Cas wakes up, it’s still early, but there’s light coming from Todd’s bathroom. He sits up and glances over at the clock. Seven A.M. He stretches, gathers the sheets around him, and is about to get up and start looking for his clothes when Todd steps out of the bathroom, fully dressed. “Oh, good morning,” Todd says, and he leans down and plants a soft, minty-fresh kiss on Cas’s lips. “Did I wake you?” he asks.

Cas shakes his head. “I’m an early riser.” 

“Well,” Todd says, “I unfortunately have to run to the office.”

“On a Saturday?” Cas asks. 

Todd nods. “I have a breakfast meeting with a client. I was going to leave you a note and let you lock up yourself. There’s fresh coffee in the pot in the kitchen, if you’d like.” 

“I would,” Cas says, but before he can get up to get himself some, Todd is out of the room, calling, “how do you take it?” 

Cas smiles to himself.  _ He’s bringing me coffee in bed,  _ he thinks, and he feels that same lightness he felt last night. “Two sugars,” he replies, and in a few minutes, Todd is back with a mug. “It’s hot,” he says as he hands it to Cas. 

Cas takes a sip and smiles again. “It’s good,” he says. 

Todd grins widely at him then sits down on the edge of the bed. “So….you can stay as long as you want. Feel free to take a shower, make yourself breakfast. Just lock up after yourself. And….if you want, I’d really like to take you out to dinner tonight, Steve. If you’re not working.”

Cas feels himself smiling wider. “I’d love that. If I’m not working.” Todd grins again and leans down and presses another kiss to his lips, then pulls away, smiling. “Great. See you later, Steve.”

He stands up and leaves the room and Cas hears the front door open and shut, and lets out a contented sigh. He finishes his coffee and then stands up, and begins pulling on his clothes. When he gets to his pants, he feels something heavy in his pocket and remembers his cell phone.

And then, with a start, he remembers he never told Sam or Dean anything about where he was going last night.

In a panic, he pulls the phone out and turns it back on, only to discover twenty-two missed calls, three voicemails, and ten texts, all from Dean. 

He unlocks the phone and opens up his voicemail, presses on the first one. 

“Hey Cas,” Dean’s voice says from the other end. “It’s me. We just got back to the room, we’re trying to figure out where the hell you are. Gimme a call back when you get this.” And then a beep as he hangs up. With a deep breath, Cas plays the second one.

“Cas, what the hell man? Where are you? Call me back.” 

And then, finally, the third one. “Cas, god damn it, where are you? We’re freaking out over here. This isn’t cool, Cas. You don’t just leave without telling us where you’re going.”

Cas sighs. He opens the texts to find they tell a similar story. He finishes dressing, goes to the bathroom, splashes some water on his face. He realizes he doesn’t have a toothbrush, but he opens Todd’s medicine cabinet and finds a bottle of mouthwash, so he takes a swig and swishes it around for a few minutes. 

He double checks that he has everything-fake badge, wallet, phone-and considers making himself another cup of coffee, but decides it would be better to get back to the motel as soon as possible. He calls a cab, and he’s back at the motel in fifteen minutes. He opens the door softly, thinking Sam and Dean might be sleeping, but he’s wrong. Well, half wrong. 

Dean is sitting up in his bed. He whips his head in the direction of the door opening, then lets out a sigh of relief and gets up, crosses the room, and pulls Cas into a hug.

And Cas wants to cry. He hates this, hates that even after the night he spent with Todd, just the sight of Dean can make him feel like he’s exploding into a million tiny pieces. When they pull away from each other, they stare at each other for a few seconds. Cas doesn’t know what he sees in Dean’s eyes, but he knows what he wants to see and he has to stop, he can’t think like this anymore. 

And then Dean is angry. “What the hell, Cas?” he growls. “Where were you?”

Cas takes a deep breath. “I was….with Todd.” 

“You were with  _ Todd _ ?” Dean asks, blinking. “The lawyer?” 

Cas nods. 

“Damn it Cas, I thought we talked about that.” 

And now Cas is frustrated too. “You talked, Dean.”

“Yeah and I thought you listened. You don’t shit-”

“Where you eat,” Cas finishes. “I got that. But we’re not technically working with Todd anymore and we’ve cleared him as a suspect-” 

“Have we really?” 

“We tricked him into drinking holy water and nothing happened. So yes, Dean, we’ve cleared him.”

“So what then, you’re just gonna hook up with some random guy on a case? A guy you barely know?” 

“It’s not like you don’t do it all the time.”

“That’s different! I’ve been doing this way longer than you have, I won’t get distracted. You might.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “That’s….what do they call it, a double standard, Dean. And you don’t get to tell me who I’m allowed to date.” 

“Oh so you’re dating him?”

“He wants to take me out to dinner tonight.”

“Did you say yes?”

“I said maybe.” 

“Great,” Dean says throwing his hands up in the air, “that’s just great Cas. And what if you’re out at some fancy restaurant playing footsie with your new sugar daddy and something comes up, huh? Are you just gonna up and leave?” 

“Of course I would leave if something came up.” 

“Yeah? Cause you didn’t last night. In fact, your damn phone was off so we couldn’t even trace you.”

“Did something come up last night?” 

Dean pauses, blinks, then continues. “Well….no. But if something had, we would have been S.O.L. without you.”

“Dean,” Cas says, his voice low and angry now, “I like him. And you will not stop me from seeing him again.” 

Dean stares at him, silent, and Cas swears there is something in that stare, something he’s been looking for, something intense and deep, but then Dean blinks and it’s gone. 

“You know what, Cas,” he says quietly, “I think maybe you should go to the front desk, and get your own room until we leave.”

Cas nods, feeling sad and angry but mostly just longing for Dean to feel something he doesn’t. “Maybe you’re right,” he says softly. 

And so he does

_____

After three days, the case is wrapped up. After three days, Dean still barely speaks to him. Sam is puzzled, he can’t figure out what’s changed, but he doesn’t ask, and Cas certainly doesn’t volunteer anything.  _ He  _ can’t even figure out what’s changed. There’s a small part of him that thinks maybe Dean was  _ too _ angry, maybe there was some other reason, something besides not defecating where you eat or whatever, but he can’t allow himself to think like that because that just makes everything more difficult, makes it harder to concentrate on the case.

He did end up going out for dinner with Todd again on Saturday night, and they’d met up for lunch on Tuesday and it had been so, so nice. And Cas likes him. He isn’t Dean, but he likes him a lot, and he’s having fun, and as long as Dean doesn’t care about him, Cas decides he’s going to enjoy himself. 

He hears a knock on the door and turns to see Sam standing in the open doorway. 

“You ready to roll?” Sam asks.

Cas sighs, zips his bag. “Actually,” he says, “I think I’m going to spend some time….on my own. I’ve found a case nearby that I can work solo.” 

“Oh,” Sam replies, “You sure?”

Cas nods. 

“Well….you give us a call if you need anything.” 

“I will.” 

A horn honks outside. “Come on, Sam!” Dean calls. Sam turns toward the sound, grimaces at Cas, and then leaves. 

_____

Cas works a few cases on his own, all the while still in touch with Todd. They call each other a few times a week. Cas hears from Sam sporadically. And he doesn’t hear from Dean at all. 

He tries to tell himself it’s alright, and he mostly convinces himself that it is. That if Dean doesn’t care about him, why should he still hang on? 

Until one night, when it gets too difficult. He’s alone in a hotel room a few miles outside Detroit after killing two vampires and he realizes he could drive to Ann Arbor and see Todd right now if he wanted to. He could call him up and let him know he’s on his way and be there in an hour and have a wonderful night with him. 

So that’s exactly what he does. Todd sounds excited to see him-even though they’ve been talking, they haven’t seen each other since the case a few weeks ago. 

It’s raining lightly by the time he shows up at Todd’s apartment. He decides to leave his bag of clothes and basically all of his worldly possessions in the (stolen) car he’s been using, and he rings the bell. Todd opens the door, looking comfortable in jeans and a black t-shirt with a glass of wine in his hand. 

“Steve,” he says, breaking out into a huge grin. Cas can’t help but smile back. “Todd,” he says. They stand awkwardly in the doorway for a few moments, just grinning stupidly at each other, and then Todd steps back and says, “well, come on in. I just started cooking dinner.” 

Cas does, and Todd shuts the door behind him. “It smells wonderful,” he remarks. 

“Thank you,” Todd chuckles. “I thought I’d go mediterranean tonight. Would you like to help?”

Cas nods. “Here,” Todd says, leading him into the kitchen. “You can get start chopping these tomatoes, and I’ll put the rice on.”

They finish the dinner together, making pleasant conversation, and it’s so easy, Cas thinks. It’s so effortless and comfortable to chat with Todd about what he’s been up to and how he’s been. And then Todd asks, “what about those partners of yours? Reyes and….the other one, what was his name? Doggett!”

Cas gulps. “We have….decided to part ways. Professional differences.” 

“Oh,” Todd says. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

And Cas is sorry too, because even though he likes Todd, Todd isn’t Dean. 

But maybe that’s a good thing. In fact, it  _ is  _ a good thing, definitely. He doesn’t want to spend his entire life hung up on someone who isn’t in love with him, he doesn’t want to always be waiting for something that just isn’t going to happen. And now that he’s human again, he’s so painfully aware of how little time he has.

“I am too, but….it’s alright. Maybe it’s for the best,” and Cas truly means that. Maybe it is for the best. 

______

_ Three months later _

Cas has been in Ann Arbor for three months. He tells Todd he’s taken up an office position with the Detroit field office, but really he works cases locally. Todd helps him find a small apartment on the other side of town, a sublet near the college. It’s a studio, and the student who lives there is doing a year abroad in London. He and Todd talk about maybe moving in together when the lease is up. 

And Todd is wonderful. He’s attentive-he calls Cas in the middle of the day just to let him know he’s thinking about him. He’s kind and funny and affectionate. Every Wednesday night they cook dinner together and watch an episode of Mad Men, and every Friday they go out for drinks with Todd’s friends at the same bar where they had their first date. Todd gets a puppy and every Saturday they walk her together at a park near Lake Michigan and then go for lunch at the same cafe on the water, and agree to order something different from the menu every week. 

It’s so easy and so nice and Cas tries his best to be happy, to be invested in it fully. And when he’s not thinking about Dean, he can. He can see a future with Todd (one where Todd still thinks he’s an FBI agent named Steve Cooper, of course), can see a nice house in a suburb and a dog and a Christmas tree in the window, can see himself raking the leaves off the lawn in the fall. 

But sometimes at night, when Todd is asleep next to him, he lies awake and thinks about Dean. What he must be up to, how he’s doing. He wonders if Dean misses him. 

He gets a “just checking in” call from Sam every so often, but he doesn’t ask about Dean and Sam doesn’t bring him up. Once, he tells Sam he’s seeing someone. 

“Oh,” Sam had said, clearly surprised. “That’s great, man. Is it-”

“Todd,” Cas had replied, “the lawyer.”

Sam stammers out another congratulations, says he’d love to meet up with them some time, but Cas knows he doesn’t mean it, and their conversation ends shortly after that. Sam still calls every so often, but now they don’t talk about Todd either. 

One night, Cas is up far too late. He doesn’t want to sit in silence with his thoughts, but he’s staying at Todd’s and he doesn’t want to wake him up either, so he gets out of bed and makes himself a cup of tea and turns on the television in the living room, just for some background noise. 

He’s absently drinking his tea and patting the dog’s head when Todd pads out of the bedroom, eyes still half-closed, hair a mess. 

“Oh,” Cas says, quickly turning off the TV. “Did I wake you?”

Todd shakes his head and hands Cas his phone. “Not the TV,” Todd yawns, “your phone was ringing. Someone named Sam.” 

Cas feels his heart jump into his throat, because there’s no way Sam would be calling him at two A.M. unless it was an emergency. But he takes a deep breath. “Weird,” he says, opening the phone and going to his missed calls. “You go back to bed,” he tells Todd. Todd nods, yawns again, then goes back to the bedroom. 

Shaking, Cas dials Sam’s number. Sam picks up after a few rings. “Hey,” he says.

“What’s wrong, Sam?” Cas asks. 

Sam sighs. “Dean hasn’t….been doing so great,” he says. Again, Cas’s breath catches in his throat. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing serious,” Sam clarifies, and Cas calms down just a little, but not much. “It’s just….I’m leaving on a case tomorrow morning and he’s not coming and I don’t want to leave him alone and-”

“And you want me to stay with him while you work,” Cas sighs. He already knows he’s going to say yes. He’s always dropped everything for Dean, and he doesn’t know why he ever thought that would change. 

“I didn’t know who else to call,” Sam says apologetically. 

“It’s not a problem, Sam,” Cas replies. “I’ll be there by morning.” He hangs up and gets dressed hastily, then scribbles out a note for Todd and leaves it on the pillow next to him.

_ Todd, _

_ I’ve been called away on a work emergency. Not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I’ll call you when I get there. No Mad Men without me. _

_ Love, _

_ Steve  _

______

Cas is almost embarrassed by how quickly he arrives at the bunker. He drives at least thirty miles over the speed limit all the way from Michigan and, as promised, he’s there by morning. 

He knocks on the door and Sam opens it, bag slung over his shoulder, ready to go. He smiles at Cas and pulls him into a brief hug.

“It’s good to see you, man,” he says.

Cas smiles back. “It’s good to see you too, Sam,” he replies, because it truly is good to see Sam again. 

“I’m gonna be out for about three days. An old friend needs some help with a vengeful spirit. Shouldn’t take long.” 

“Alright,” Cas says. “And….and Dean?”

Sam sighs. “He’s….in his room right now. I’m not sure if he’s passed out or actually asleep. I haven’t seen him sober for more than half an hour in at least a month.” 

Damn it, Dean, Cas thinks. He shakes his head, then looks back at Sam. “Why?” he asks.

“I….” Sam starts, then he shakes his head too. “I don’t know.”

He pats Cas on the back and tells him the fridge is stocked and then leaves, shutting the door behind him. 

And then Cas is alone in the bunker. Well, except for Dean, passed out in a drunken stupor in his room. And then panic sets in. He’s alone with Dean, for the first time in months, and according to Sam, Dean hasn’t been sober in almost as long. 

He shouldn’t have come here, he should have stayed in Michigan with Todd. He should be waking up next to him now, starting a pot of coffee, letting the dog out. 

He pulls out his phone to send a text to Todd, to let him know that he’s reached his destination, and Todd replies, “miss you already.”

And Cas misses him too. But he realizes he doesn’t  _ want  _ to be there. He wants to be here, with Dean. Even though every fiber of his being is screaming at him, telling him he  _ should  _ be with Todd, that he should  _ want _ to be there, he doesn’t. And that causes him to panic even more. 

And then he hears footsteps from the hall, the sound of glass clinking. 

“Sammy,” Dean’s voice calls, “Sammy, you still here? Where’d you go-”

And then he stops short. Stumbles backward a bit. He blinks, shakes his head. “Cas.”

Cas tries to smile, but he can’t, it comes out as a grimace. His heart swells at the sight of Dean, standing there with a bottle in his hand, staring at him. “Dean,” he says, his voice barely a whisper.

They just stare at each other for a few moments. And Cas’s heart breaks, because Dean looks absolutely miserable. His eyes are bloodshot with dark, deep circles underneath them and he looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. His clothes are stained. He looks like he’s barely holding himself up. 

And the way he’s looking at Cas, well, that alone would be enough to completely rip Cas apart. Like he’s seeing him for the first time, like he’s thinking something he can’t say. All Cas wants to do is take Dean in his arms and tell him it’s alright, that everything is alright and that he’s there and he’s never leaving again. 

But then in an instant, Dean’s face changes. It’s cold and hard again. “Where’s Sam?” he asks.

“Uh,” Cas stammers, “he left on a case.”

“Lemme guess,” Dean sighs, “he sent you to babysit me.”

Cas nods. 

“Well I don’t need a damn babysitter.” And he turns around and walks back down the hall to his room.

_____

For two days, Cas barely sees Dean. He goes to his room and checks on him whenever he thinks he’s been quiet for too long, makes sure he’s breathing. He cooks and leaves plates of food outside Dean’s door, even though Dean says he doesn’t need to eat. But when Cas comes back to check on him every few hours, there’s always an empty plate outside the door. 

He calls Todd every night to say goodnight, says he can’t talk about the case he’s working on. 

One night, just after he’s hung up with Todd, he hears Dean emerge from his room. He turns his head in the direction of Dean’s foot steps. 

He expects Dean to ignore him again, expects him to just grab another bottle of whatever alcohol he can find and go back to his room. But instead, he sits down across from Cas. 

“You know,” he says, “I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again.”

Cas gulps, nods. “I didn’t know if I’d see you again, either, Dean.” 

Dean leans back in his chair, a lazy smile pulling at his lips. “Hm,” he murmurs. “Say my name again.” 

“What?” Cas asks, puzzled.

“Say my name. It sounds so nice coming from you.” 

Cas sputters, “I…..Dean, I don’t-”

“I missed you.”

Cas swears his heart stops for a moment, feels his breath hitch in his throat, because this is all he’s been hoping to hear from Dean since he’d walked in the door two days ago. “I….I missed you too, Dean.”

Dean smiles lazily again. “Man,” he chuckles, “I love hearing you say my name.” And then he leans too far back in his chair and falls backward, clattering to the ground. 

“Dean!” Cas calls, rushing around to the other side of the table to help him up. “Are you alright?” he asks, pulling Dean to sit up. Dean leans back against the leg of the table and looks up at Cas, smiles. 

“You know what?” he says. “I’m so much better now that you’re here.” 

Cas feels another part of himself break off and he sighs sadly.  _ He’s drunk _ , he tells himself.  _ He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Sam will be back tomorrow, and I’ll be gone, and Dean will remember none of this.  _

“Ah, Cas,” Dean grumbles. “You know how important you are to me?” 

“Dean,” Cas says, his voice barely a whisper. “I-”

“I love you, Cas.” 

And Cas can hear the blood rushing in his veins, can feel his knees start to shake and his heart start to beat out of his chest. “I know, Dean,” he says hoarsely. “We’re family.”

Dean laughs sadly. “No, no,” he says, “you’re not listening, Cas. I  _ love  _ you. I’m  _ in _ love with you. You’re the only one for me.” 

Cas feels like he could be knocked over with a feather. He wants to cry, he wants to tear all his hair out, he wants to jump up and run through the nearest city screaming “Dean Winchester loves me!” at the top of his lungs. But he doesn’t. Instead he says, “Dean I’m seeing someone.” 

“I know,” Dean says, wrinkling his nose. “Sam told me. That cute lawyer.” 

Cas nods. 

“You should be with me,” Dean says. “Dump him. Be with me. I want to be with you.”

Cas shakes his head, angry now. “You should have said that a long time ago Dean,” he says. “I would have given anything to be with you.”  _ I still would,  _ he thinks, but he doesn’t say it. 

Because he knows if he agrees, if he says yes, Dean won’t remember any of this. They’ll go back to how they were and Cas will be too scared to ever bring it up to him and it will be like it never happened. 

“Dean,” he says, “I think you should go to bed.” 

Dean looks up at him through hazy eyes, smirking at him, almost predatory. Cas shivers under his gaze and Dean smiles wider. “Will you come with me?” he asks. 

And Cas wants to, so badly. But Dean is drunk and he’s with Todd. “No,” he shakes his head. 

Dean sighs, and pulls himself up. “Invite me to your wedding,” he says as he walks away back to his room. 

Once Dean is gone, Cas sits back down in the chair and drops his head in his hands, rakes them through his hair. He knows this is the right thing to do. He knows he should go back to Todd and live a normal life with a dog and a picket fence and a garden. 

But if it’s the right choice, why is it absolutely destroying him? Why does he ache to be with Dean now, even after that awful conversation? 

He pulls out his phone and texts Sam to ask where he is. Sam replies that he’s a few hours away and that Cas can leave if he wants. So he gathers up his things and checks on Dean one last time. He’s asleep or maybe passed out, and Cas picks up a piece of paper and scribbles a note to him. 

_ Dean, _

_ I don’t know if you’ll remember any of this in the morning. But if you do, know that I am truly sorry. I don’t think we should be in each other’s lives for a while. Maybe forever. I wish you only the best. _

_ Cas _

_____

Cas drives the actual speed limit back to Michigan and he’s there by the next afternoon. He goes straight to Todd’s, even though he doesn’t want to. But he  _ wants  _ to want to. He does.

Part of him feels….resentful toward Todd. He feels like maybe if Todd wasn’t in the picture, if he wasn’t so perfect, so exactly everything he thought he’d ever want from a relationship, it would be easier to leave him and drop everything for Dean, just like he’d always done.

But Todd is perfect and attentive and affectionate and funny. He’s smart and handsome and caring and Cas truly enjoys being with him. 

And he isn’t Dean. 

Still, Cas goes straight to Todd’s apartment after the bunker, naively thinking that maybe if he can remind himself why he likes Todd, he can forget about Dean.

He reaches up to ring the bell on Todd’s door and hears the dog start to bark and soon Todd is opening the door and pulling him into a hug. He pulls away and kisses Cas softly, then smiles. 

“I missed you,” he breathes. 

“I missed you too,” Cas replies. And he did miss Todd, really, but something is different now. It’s not as easy as it was before to convince himself that he wants to be with Todd to make this work. Because now he knows that Dean loves him, and no matter how drunk he was when he said it, he still said it. And Cas knows he’ll never be able to forget that Dean loves him, that they could have had something. He wants to believe that Dean had missed his chance, but he knows that if Dean needs him again he’ll drop everything and run. 

“I was going to get pizza, if that’s alright,” Todd says, taking Cas’s hand and leading him inside. “We could see what’s playing at the movie theatre too, maybe. Unless you want to stay in.”

Cas smiles tightly and shakes his head. “I’m happy with whatever you want to do.” 

_____

Three days later, Cas is in the shower when he thinks he hears Todd calling for him. He turns off the water just as Todd opens the door. “Steve?” he calls. 

“Yeah?”

“It’s your old partner,” Todd says. “Agent Reyes.” 

Cas sees that Todd is holding his phone and he can feel the panic start to spread throughout his body. “Gimme a sec,” he says to Todd , barely able to keep his voice from shaking. 

“Sure thing,” Todd says, and leaves the phone on the bathroom counter. He steps out of the shower, wraps a robe around himself, and then puts the phone to his ear.

“Sam,” he says, “what is it?”

“Man, what the hell happened between you and Dean?” 

Cas sighs. “Not now,” he says. “I’ll tell you another time.” 

“No you won’t. What happened, Cas?” Sam asks. 

Again, Cas sighs. “Hold on,” he says. He chances a peek out the bathroom door. Todd isn’t in the bedroom, so he paces out to the bedroom door and looks around the corner. He’s sitting on the couch, reading a book, listening to music through headphones. Cas creeps back into the bedroom and sits down on the end of the bed. “He confessed some feelings for me,” Cas says quietly. “And I told him it would be for the best if we didn’t see each other for a while.”

“Yeah,” Sam says, annoyed. “I saw your note.”

“I’m sorry, Sam,” 

Sam sighs. “No, I’m sorry. You don’t have anything to apologize for. It’s just uh….I came home and Dean was sober and as soon as I got in the door, he took the keys from me and went off somewhere and I haven’t heard from him since.” 

“Did you track his phone?”

“Yeah,” Sam says. “He’s in Nashville, it looks like he’s bar-hopping there. But he won’t answer my calls.” 

“And you think he’ll respond to me.” Cas doesn’t ask Sam this, he says it matter-of-factly, because he knows that’s what Sam is going to say next.

“Whatever happened between you,” Sam starts, “I can’t fix it. I don’t know what went down.”

Cas grits his teeth. “I’ll call you when I get to Nashville.” 

He hangs up the phone, sets it back on the counter, and sits on the edge of the bathtub, fists clenched. 

“Nashville?” 

Cas looks up and Todd is standing in the doorway, his brow knit in confusion. “I’m sorry, Todd,” he says, and he is. Todd deserves so much better. “It’s my old partner. He’s missing and we think he might be in Nashville.” 

“So...you have to go again?”

Cas nods. 

“Well,” Todd says, a sad smile pulling at his lips, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’ll help you get packed.” 

_______

Cas is in Nashville by the end of the next day. He doesn’t even check into a hotel-he pays an exorbitant amount of money to park in a garage in the neighborhood where Sam said Dean is, and he sets out on foot looking for him. 

He shows a picture of Dean to every bouncer at every bar on the block until he finds one who recognizes Dean and he goes inside.

Instantly, he sees Dean sitting at the bar, a glass of whiskey in his hand and two shots in front of him. 

He watches Dean take both shots and flag the bartender for another one, then smile to himself and sing along to the song the singer is covering. He hates that all he has to do is  _ see  _ Dean and he’s reminded why he’ll always, always,  _ always  _ drop whatever he’s doing and run to Dean’s side. 

He loves him. So much that he would-no that he  _ has,  _ on multiple occasions moved heaven and earth for him. He wants everything with Dean, wants to spend every waking moment with him, and every sleeping one, too. 

He decides something is going to change tonight. Something big. And whatever happens, he knows he won’t go back to Todd this time, not for good. He’ll go back to Ann Arbor to tell him it’s over, he’ll apologize, and if Dean will still take him, he’ll follow him anywhere. 

After several deep breaths, he approaches Dean and says his name quietly. 

Nothing.

He gulps, and gently puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean,” he says. “Did you hear me?”

He thinks he feels Dean shiver, watches him flag the bartender and order another shot, and then Dean turns around. 

“Cas,” he says.

_____

_ “I never want to choose anything that’s not you.” _

_ “Cas, you can’t say shit like that to me.” _

_ “Why not? I want to be….an honest man. I want to be with you Dean. I’m choosing you. I….I love you.”  _

_ “Damn it, Cas.” _

Cas sighs, content and warm and  _ happy  _ in Dean’s arms. 

He feels the soft kiss Dean presses into his hair and leans into his embrace more. “I love you, Dean,” he yawns.

Dean chuckles. “I love you too,” he says. “Go to sleep.” 

Still smiling, Cas closes his eyes. “As long as you’ll be here when I wake up.”

He doesn’t hear Dean’s answer though, because he falls asleep almost immediately. 

______

When Cas wakes, the first thing he notices is that his back is cold. The second is that he has far too much room in the hotel bed. His heart sinks. He had been so excited to wake up next to Dean, to roll over and kiss him lazily and maybe order room service and have breakfast in bed. 

Dean must have gone to pack the car, or maybe gone downstairs to the continental breakfast or gone out or something. 

Cas opens his eyes slowly, stretching out in the bed, then sits up and looks around the room. “Dean?” he calls, hoping that maybe he’s in the bathroom. Nothing. 

So Dean had left the room. He checks the night stands on either side of the bed, then looks under the covers and on top of the pillows to see if Dean had maybe left a note saying where he was going. Again, nothing. 

Then he checks his phone, hoping for a text or a voicemail from Dean. 

Once again, nothing.

And the panic starts to set in. He wouldn’t have  _ left  _ left, would he? 

Cas decides he’ll wait a few more minutes. He’ll take a shower and get dressed. He’ll have some coffee from the mini bar. And if he’s done all those things and Dean still hasn’t come back, then he’ll call him. 

And if Dean doesn’t answer when he calls, then he’ll panic. 

So he takes a shower, a long one, the entire time hoping Dean will come back into the room and open the shower door and join him. 

But he doesn’t. 

While he gets dressed, also slowly, he hopes Dean will open the door and see him pulling on his clothes and tell him not to. 

But he doesn’t.

He has a cup of coffee, all the while hoping Dean will come in and kiss him and make fun of his coffee breath.

But, of course, he doesn’t.

Cas starts to feel the panic settle in, but he remembers that he’s told himself he’s not allowed to panic unless he calls Dean and he doesn’t pick up. He takes a few steadying breaths, and then, hands shaking, dials Dean. 

Nothing. So he leaves a voicemail. “Dean,” he starts, “it’s me. I’m just….wondering where you are. Call me back when you get this. I….I love you, Dean.” 

_ He has a perfectly good reason to not answer his phone,  _ Cas tells himself, but it doesn’t quell the beating of his heart, the fast, shallow breaths that seem to be the only kind he can take. So he calls Dean again. And again. And again, and again, and again.

On the fifteenth call, he’s sent straight to voicemail, meaning Dean’s phone is off. 

“No,” Cas whispers. “This isn’t what’s supposed to happen.” 

______

He arrives in Ann Arbor that night. He goes to his apartment first, and packs up his things-a small amount of clothing, toiletries, and a few books. He decides he’ll call the landlord and terminate the lease tomorrow and pay whatever fee he has to. 

Then, his heart heavy, he heads to Todd’s.

Todd is getting ready for bed when he gets there. 

“Hey,” Todd grins as he opens the door. He takes Cas’s face in his hands and kisses him. “I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” he says as he pulls away. “Did you find your old partner?”

Cas grimaces. “I did.” 

“And? He’s okay?” 

Cas nods. “Todd,” he says, “We need to talk.”

He feels a rush of guilt as Todd’s face drops. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“No,” Cas sighs. He leads Todd to the couch and sits, and Todd sits down on the cushion and faces him. He reaches for Cas’s hand, but Cas pulls away. 

“Todd I….”

“This is a break-up speech, isn’t it?” 

Cas purses his lips and nods sadly. 

“But I thought….” Todd starts. “I thought things were going so well.”

“They were.”

“So what happened?” 

Cas hangs his head and shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath. “I slept with someone else in Nashville.” 

He opens his eyes and looks up at Jake, and he wants to cry for hurting this wonderful man. “Oh,” Todd breathes. “Oh. That’s….”

“I’m so sorry, Todd.”

“Steve, I-I’m willing to look past this. To work it out. You matter to me, a lot.”

But Cas shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Todd. It’s not just that. I-”

“Don’t want to be with me anymore,”  Todd finishes, and Cas is glad he doesn’t have to be the one to say it. “Oh.” Todd has tears welling in his eyes now, and he sniffles. 

“I am so sorry, Todd,” Cas says, and he is. 

Todd smiles at him, a few tears spilling over now. “I guess I sort of knew your heart wasn’t in it from the beginning.”

“You deserve so much better than me, Todd,” Cas says. “Someone who will give you everything.”

“It wasn’t just a meaningless hook up, was it?” Todd asks. 

And Cas can’t lie to him. “No,” he replies, shaking his head. 

“It meant something.” 

Cas nods.

“Was it Dean?”

Cas blinks in shock. “How….do you….”

Todd sniffs again. “You say his name in your sleep.”

A fresh wave of guilt hits Cas like a ton of bricks and he wants to tear his hair out and then drive his car off a cliff. 

“Is he your ex or something?” Todd asks. “Was I just a rebound?”

“It’s….it’s complicated,” Cas sighs. “But I promise you, you weren’t a rebound. I care about you very much, Todd.”

Todd lets out a shaky breath, then reaches for Cas’s hand again and this time, Cas doesn’t pull away. “For what it’s worth,” Todd says, his voice breaking, “I love you, Steve. God help me, I do. I could have married you.”

Cas blinks and is surprised to find a few tears of his own welling in his eyes. “I am so, so sorry, Todd.”

Todd pulls his hand from Cas’s and reaches up to wipe his eyes. “I wish you the best life, Steve,” he says, smiling sadly. “Come back and find me some day.” 

Cas nods and pulls Todd in for a hug. 

When he pulls away, Todd gets up and walks into the bedroom, and returns with the toothbrush Cas keeps there and a framed picture of them together. He hands them to Cas wordlessly, and Cas nods, and then he turns and walks out of Todd’s apartment.

Once he gets outside and into his car, he leans his head back on the seat and lets a few tears flow down his cheeks before he pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes. 

He isn’t sure where he’ll go now. Maybe he’ll take a break from hunting for a while and do some soul searching, somewhere on the coast. Or maybe he’ll pick up another case right away, and throw himself back into work and try his hardest to forget about Dean. 

Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll go back to the bunker. He’ll give Dean an ultimatum. And if Dean says yes to whatever choice he gives him, he’ll stay. He’ll give everything to Dean. And if he says no, well, then he’ll decide what to do from there. 

Cas starts the car and drives off.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> once again, if you don't like this i don't care. if you DO like please let me know and you get bonus points if you can tell me where their FBI aliases are from.  
> xoxo gossip sarah


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